When did you first realize that emotional hurt is inevitable? As a child, life felt simpler—relationships were straightforward, and pain seemed distant. But as I grew older and began to care deeply for people and things, I discovered that caring comes with vulnerability, and with vulnerability comes the risk of hurt. Offense became part of the territory, a natural byproduct of meaningful connections. This realization, though painful, opened the door to learning about resilience, forgiveness, and navigating relationships with grace.
You don’t need to be a Christian to recognize that unforgiveness is harmful. It has the power to damage lives, harm health, steal peace, and disrupt mental well-being. But the real struggle often lies in understanding how to forgive. Do we really need to forget? Should we confront the person who hurt us? These are questions I’ve wrestled with, and I’m sure you have too.
Forgiveness is central to the message of the Gospel, and Jesus is the ultimate example of forgiveness. His teachings and actions provide a model for believers, demonstrating how to forgive even in the most difficult circumstances.
Let’s explore how Jesus forgave, what forgiveness entails from a biblical perspective, and how we can apply it in our relationships, including questions about forgetting and maintaining relationships.
My struggles with Unforgiveness
A few years ago, I was leading a youth group with a deep desire to help them grow spiritually. I knew some of them were struggling with life’s distractions, and I wanted to guide them toward the treasures found in God. My wife and I were passionate about this mission, pouring everything we had into these young people, even though it wasn’t easy—especially with a three-year-old son in the midst of his tantrum phase. We traveled long distances, and gave our time and energy wholeheartedly.
But then, a challenge arose in the church that required leadership intervention. As one of the leaders, I had to address the issue, but it involved someone they were close to. While though they knew that it was right to address the issue, they began to distance themselves. Without explanation or even a goodbye, they stopped answering calls, got married without letting us know, and simply walked out of our lives.
At first, I was surprisingly stoic, but over time, the cracks began to show. It took me a while to recognize the deep pain of rejection I was feeling. I found myself retreating to closed rooms and cars, overwhelmed by the hurt of having given my all, only to feel abandoned. I even stopped ministering for a while reeling from the hurt.
This blog here is about what God revealed to me during that time. I realized I felt rejected, angry, and offended because I cared so deeply. But through His Word, God reminded me of how Jesus forgave.
And so, I “chose” to forgive as Jesus did. It was hard, but Jesus’s example is something that motivated me, and if you have gone through or are going through hurt, this might help you too.
How Did Jesus Forgive?
Unconditionally
On the cross, Jesus prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Despite the immense pain and injustice He faced, He extended forgiveness to His executioners without conditions. Jesus’ forgiveness was not dependent on the repentance or acknowledgment of the offenders. He forgave freely, out of love and obedience to the Father. I am sure that those young folks who rejected me did not even realize the gravity of their actions, but I can do one thing, from my end, and that is, to forgive unconditionally.
Completely
Jesus’ death on the cross paid for all sin, past, present, and future (Hebrews 10:10). When He forgives, it is total and irrevocable. Biblical forgiveness is not partial or temporary. It means releasing the offender from the debt of their sin against us, just as God releases us from the debt of our sin.
If you have faced something in life which you find hard to forgive, model it after Jesus, and forgive them totally. Don’t hold anything against them. Always pray for them, wish the best for them.
Proactively
Jesus didn’t wait for us to seek forgiveness before making it available. “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Sometimes we think that we will wait till they come back and apologize, but that’s not good. Firstly, because the chances of them even thinking of that incident is very low and secondly, forgiveness should not depend on someone’s apology or change of behaviour. It’s an act of grace we extend, reflecting God’s grace toward us.
With Love and Compassion
Jesus forgave Peter for denying Him three times (John 21:15-19). Instead of condemning Peter, He restored him lovingly, reaffirming his calling. Forgiveness should come from a heart of love and compassion, seeking restoration rather than retribution.
What Is the Right Way to Forgive?
Acknowledge the Hurt
Forgiveness is not ignoring or minimizing the offense. Jesus acknowledged the reality of sin and its consequences (Matthew 18:15-17). Be honest about the pain caused, but choose not to let it control your heart. I remember it took me a while to acknowledge the hurt. If you want to share it with someone close, you can, but ideally you can share your heart with God. Speak to him, and tell him what you really feel. If you want to bawl your eyes out, go ahead, but acknowledge it. Denial is never healthy.
Release the Offender
Forgiveness is a decision to let go of bitterness and the desire for revenge (Ephesians 4:31-32). It’s entrusting the situation to God, who is the ultimate judge (Romans 12:19). Pray for the strength to release the offender and commit to not bringing up the offense to harm them or dwell on it in anger. I’ve seen many ministry leaders struggling with this. I still see feeds on Facebook by ministry leaders having a go at each other, calling each other “false prophets”. Stop it!
Seek Reconciliation When Possible
Forgiveness and reconciliation are related but distinct. Reconciliation requires mutual effort and trust, while forgiveness is an individual choice. However, lean to the Holy Spirit for guidance. I remember that when I used to get used, and hurt in the past, I would feel bad for keeping boundaries, and would go to them again thinking that it is the godly way to do, only to get into the whole cycle again. But you can keep boundaries, if you do not feel like seeking reconciliation.
Pray for the Offender
Jesus taught, “Pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). Praying for someone who has hurt you softens your heart and aligns you with God’s will. Pray for the person who wronged you, asking God to work in their life and heart.
Should We “Forget”?
God’s forgiveness is described as “I will remember their sins no more” (Hebrews 8:12). This means that He chooses not to hold our sins against us. Forgetting is not about erasing the memory of the offense but choosing not to dwell on it or let it define the relationship. It’s about refusing to bring it up as a weapon.
In cases of repeated harm or unrepentant behavior, it’s wise to remember patterns to protect yourself and establish boundaries (Proverbs 22:3). Like in the case where I said I was pulled into a cycle of behaviour, I finally understood that I didn’t have to let myself be pulled into all that. I could keep boundaries. After all, forgiveness doesn’t always require maintaining a close relationship. Jesus forgave the Pharisees but did not entrust Himself to them (John 2:24-25).
Paul encourages believers to “live at peace with everyone” as far as it depends on them (Romans 12:18). This implies that maintaining contact is situational.
Conclusion
Forgiving like Jesus means extending grace, releasing bitterness, and seeking restoration when possible, all while maintaining wisdom and discernment. It does not mean ignoring the hurt, forgetting in a literal sense, or putting yourself in harm’s way. Instead, it’s about living out the Gospel by reflecting Christ’s love and forgiveness in your relationships. As we forgive, we not only obey God but also experience the freedom and peace that come from letting go of the burdens of unforgiveness.
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