I recently joined a worship team at church.
It was a large team—full of talented, committed people. Some had been there for years, others were new, and some, like me, were trying to find their place.
But one person stood out to me—not because of his gifting, but because of his distance.
He was:
- Aloof
- Reserved
- Hardly smiled
- Seemed to avoid people—including me
At first, I tried to understand him.
I thought, “Maybe he’s an introvert like me… maybe he just needs time.”
One day, after he led a song beautifully, I went up to him and told him he did well. I genuinely meant it—but I also hoped it would open a door.
It didn’t.
If anything, he remained just as distant.
2. The Judgment That Quietly Formed
Over time, my thoughts shifted.
I began to notice:
- He spoke more with the pastors than others
- He had been in the church for 20+ years
- He seemed part of an inner circle
And slowly, I formed a conclusion:
“He’s arrogant.”
A few incidents reinforced this:
- He moved a podium carelessly and hit someone—without apologizing
- He spoke bluntly (even rudely) about the pastor’s parking spot
- He ignored greetings
I tried saying hi whenever I could—but he often ignored me.
And eventually, I did what felt natural:
I avoided him.
3. The Moment Everything Changed
Months later, I noticed something.
He would come to church alone—with his kids.
No sign of his wife.
Curious, I checked social media. There were no recent pictures of her. It seemed possible that he was going through a separation.
And suddenly…
Everything shifted.
The same man I had labeled as:
- Arrogant
- Distant
- Proud
Now appeared to me as:
- Possibly broken
- Carrying burdens
- Navigating pain
And I felt… compassion.
4. The Dilemma That Troubled Me
But this is where it hit me.
Why did I need that information to feel compassion?
Why couldn’t I treat him with grace before I knew?
Why did kindness come after the story?
That question exposed something uncomfortable in me:
I am naturally compassionate—but only when I understand.
5. What Wisdom Literature Teaches About Judging Others
Proverbs 18:13
“If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”
I formed a judgment without hearing the full story.
Proverbs 14:10
“The heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger shares its joy.”
People carry unseen burdens. What we observe externally is only a fraction of reality.
Ecclesiastes 7:21–22
“Do not take to heart all the things that people say… your heart knows that many times you yourself have done the same.”
I expected consistency from him that I myself do not maintain.
6. The Real Problem: Misjudging People
I made a subtle but critical error:
I interpreted behavior as identity.
- Distance → “He is proud”
- Silence → “He is arrogant”
But in reality:
Behavior is often a symptom of something deeper.
7. Even Psychology Explains This Bias
Thinking, Fast and Slow – Daniel Kahneman
This is called the fundamental attribution error:
We judge others by their character, but ourselves by our circumstances.
This is why:
- His behavior felt like arrogance
- My behavior feels justified
8. How Jesus Treated People Without Full Context
Jesus did not require a backstory to extend grace.
Luke 23:34
“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
He assumed something deeper was wrong—even when behavior looked hostile.
9. The Solution: Compassion Before Understanding
The lesson is simple—but difficult:
Don’t wait for the story to show grace.
Because there is always a story.
Proverbs 19:11
“Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”
Wisdom teaches us to delay judgment—not because people are always right, but because we are often incomplete in our understanding.
10. How to Practice This in Real Life
1. Pause Your Conclusion
Say: “I don’t understand yet.”
2. Separate Behavior from Identity
What they did ≠ who they are
3. Assume Hidden Pain
Every difficult person has an unseen story
4. Lead With Grace First
Not after understanding—but before it
11. Final Reflection
Looking back, I realize:
My compassion was real—but it came too late.
And that matters.
Because Christ calls us not just to love people once we understand them…
But to love them:
- when they are difficult
- when they are distant
- when they are misunderstood
Conclusion
Next time you encounter someone difficult, remember:
There is a version of their story that would make their behavior make sense.
And instead of waiting to discover it—
Choose compassion first.
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