I was taken aback by the rejections.
But I should say the Lord strengthened me. The Lord told me. These are the notes that I had written during that time.
“God told me that He doesn’t require anyone’s worship or prayers out of compulsion. He just wants to be loved. He is the one who experiences the pain of unrequited love, everyday. Our thanksgiving for the Lord depends on what we receive from Him. But if he doesn’t give something our Love grows cold. We all forget what He has done till now. If our love depends on what God provides us, that isn’t love. Consider your love for your children, in spite of them not giving you anything you require. You love them just because they are your kids. Cant we love Him the same way. After all He is our father, not metaphorically but literally He is our father. He yearns to be loved.
Prince, Oct 2014 (after the rejection)
He told me to observe our prayers. Aren’t they stuffed with all sorts of memorized lines. How many lines do we actually mean?. When we say thank you for keeping us safe, do we actually believe He kept us safe. When we say that we are living by His grace alone, do we really believe so?. The only time when we put our hearts in prayers is during supplications, and that too rarely, coz we don’t trust Him. We just want Him to do whatever we want. God is extremely pained at it.
He showed me His pain at our negligence. Only because of His forbearance, He hasn’t chastised us. To love during the most testing and trying times is more valuable to the Lord than all the praise that you can give during eternity. There you see Him face to face and you praise Him and you will Praise him without even been asked. But now we don’t see Him and to praise Him now is purely out of Love, it should be. No one forces you, but if we can kneel down and tell him only the truth for 2 minutes. That’s all he wants. He just wants to be loved.”
It was a powerful time when the Lord taught me the depths of his love. I didn’t know much during those days, but there was joy in trusting Him.
I had nothing to look forward to. No more results to come, and had no plans ahead. I knew that I would be a laughing stock in the town, and would be an example of what not to do in the name of “faith”.
However, there was one thing that had happened to me during those months. If in the beginning when I landed in my hometown, I had a “that’ll show em” attitude, I started to enjoy this journey of loving and having trust in him.
In one of the conversations with my mom.
“So, what is your plan? ” my mom said.
“I don’t know. I could still go, right?”
“But you got a rejection email right?”
“I did”. I responded.
“So you believe?”, she asked
“Yes. God said I would go. I dont know how”
In hindsight everything sounds great, but when I said it, I had no idea. I was getting reminders of failure and the embarrassment that could potentially happen.
Abba Father
On the 12th of October, after doing my prayers, one of the younger guys asked why the admission was taking so long. It was just a harmless question, but it kind of bothered me thinking about the delay. Then I felt like God helped me see that it was the devil trying to mess with me, just like he did with Eve.
That day, the Lord appeared to Pastor Sukumaran and told him to tell me that He noticed I was feeling down because of the question. But God also told Pastor Sukumaran to reassure me not to worry, because He will take care of it. Isn’t it amazing how great our Lord Jesus is? He never overlooks our troubles, and our Lord God never leaves us or abandons us. That’s how deep His love for us is.
I noticed that in Christ, my faith had not wavered, and I was enjoying my “special experiences” in prayer. I had absolutely no answer though, when people would ask me what my plan was. They thought I was lazy and wasting life, and how could I explain? When people would ask “Is everything ready?”, I would just say “Soon”.
The last week of October 2014
Then, the doors started to open. The chains had broken…
On 19th October, while I was in church, worshipping the Lord, suddenly God gave me a verse which I started to speak out. I checked the verse in the Bible and it said:
Now the king and his men went to Jerusalem against the Jebusites, the inhabitants of the land, and they said to David, “You shall not come in here, but the blind and lame will turn you away”; thinking, “David cannot enter here.” Nevertheless, David captured the stronghold of Zion, that is the city of David.
2 Sam 5:6-7
God started to reveal to me saying that all circumstances were against David to conquer, it was against him that the Jebusites though they could defeat David and his armies by just sending the blind and the lame. But, Nevertheless, David Captured.
But NEVERTHELESS, David Captured.
It sank in, flooding me with inexplicable joy that compelled me to praise God!
He was urging me to get ready for my “Nevertheless” moment. I didn’t know what it was, but something was “cooking”.
22rd October 2014
3 days later, On 22rd of October 2014, I suddenly got a mail from an unexpected sender, Patrizia Piacentini, from University of Padova. She told me that 3 positions had opened up and she wanted to know if I was still interested. For a few seconds , my thoughts were seized by slideshows of previous emails she had sent me. She had underscored the impossibility of the final list to change, and also that it had never happened before. She had even asked me to close my admissions and here I was now, being asked if I was interested.
God works in marvelous and wonderful ways. Some students apparently had left for other universities or options, and now I was ranked 8th. Note that these students had already accepted and paid the application fees, but here it was, with my “Nevertheless” moment.
I had given up on my efforts, and was just enjoying in HIm, and at the 11th hour, with a week for classes to start, He opens the door.
But there was one more student, and I would know only on 29th October, she said.
Then, it happened.
For some reason, that student “asked to change the course”, and I was in, and all I needed was a confirmation email at this point.
And then I got it. I got the email I was waiting for the last 8 months.
I remember reading this, with eyes welled up. I was the only one in my room, and my parents didn’t know it yet. I locked the door, knelt before God, and cried, praised and worshipped God.
7 months. 7 months of waiting, pressure, and in the midst of it all, it transformed me. 7 months where I wasn’t sure whether I had disappointed my parents. 7 months where I wasn’t sure people were laughing behind my back. 7 months of wait.
AND.
He did it.
I let it sink in for a while. It was unbelievable. I could relate to the song “He was 4 days late, but still on time”.
Someone with no research experience, proposal, but with only a promise from the Lord, became one of the 3 international students to enrol in Ph.D Statistical Sciences, the place where Galileo taught. I was the only student from India in that batch. Against all odds.
Three weeks later
The university literally fought with the embassy to get me to Italy as soon as possible, and God did wonders there. On November 26th, 2014, I travelled to Italy. The below is a picture from my flight to Italy.
And the below was my first pic in Italy
A guy who was ready to settle down, God called, gave a promise, and against all odds, took him to Italy, as He promised. He didn’t take me there so that I could earn money and all that, but rather because he cared for me, and wanted me to share the gospel wherever I go.
So if you see me yapping and posting about God a lot, know that I do have some big things to say about him.
Its been a decade since this happened.
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