If you’ve ever swallowed your tears because “real men don’t cry,” you’re not alone. But what if that idea isn’t just wrong — what if it’s damaging your spiritual health?
Recently, I saw a news clip about Archie Wilson, a Nebraska punter from Australia, breaking down in tears when asked if he missed his family. What struck me wasn’t just his vulnerability — it was the reaction online.
Some people mocked him, as if crying somehow disqualified him from being “masculine.” This isn’t new. We’ve been taught that “real men” are stoic, that showing emotion is weakness. And sadly, this mindset isn’t just out there in the culture — it’s crept into the church too.
When Vulnerability Is Shut Down
While reading The Heart of an Artist by Rory Noland, one story jumped out at me. A young art student named Dan attended a prayer meeting with Christian leaders. One by one, they shared uplifting updates and praised God for His blessings.
When it was Dan’s turn, he nervously opened his Bible and began talking about how discouraged he’d been. The mood in the room shifted. People grew uncomfortable. When he finished, the leader told him he wished Dan had read something “uplifting,” like Psalm 150.
Dan left wishing he’d never opened up. And honestly, I think the leader missed an opportunity. Instead of affirming Dan’s honesty and walking with him through his struggle, he shut the door on it. That’s the kind of culture where people learn, “Don’t be real. Only share the ‘positive’ stuff.”
The Word-of-Faith Positivity Trap
This happens in some church circles too — especially in parts of the Word of Faith movement. The idea is that you should only speak positive, victorious words, as if admitting you’re struggling is somehow unspiritual.
But here’s the truth: our words should flow from a place of rest in God — not create rest by pretending everything is fine. Shutting down emotions isn’t faith. It’s denial.
Toxic Masculinity in Disguise
Then there’s toxic masculinity — the kind that says men should never cry, never admit weakness, never be vulnerable. I’ve felt the weight of that myself. My family has never seen me cry. That’s not because I never feel like crying — it’s because I was raised to think “men don’t cry.”
Ryan Holiday, who writes about Stoicism, was asked on CNN if Marcus Aurelius would approve of mocking a man for showing emotion. Holiday said no — in fact, there are many examples of Aurelius expressing his feelings. Stoicism isn’t about never feeling — it’s about not letting emotions paralyze you.
And the Bible agrees.
God Can Handle Your Tears
Jesus wept. God expresses anger, grief, and compassion throughout Scripture. The prophets poured out their pain — Elijah wanted to die, Jeremiah cursed the day he was born. God didn’t reject them. He met them in their weakness.
Peter was impulsive and emotional, yet Jesus built His church on him. There’s even an entire book called Lamentations. Clearly, God isn’t allergic to raw honesty.
The point isn’t to avoid pain. It’s to bring it to God. Emotions are like a thermometer — they show what’s happening in your heart. They’re not the steering wheel.
The Balance: Feel, But Don’t Be Ruled
Rory Noland puts it well: if people constantly describe you as moody or an “emotional roller coaster,” that’s a sign your emotions are running the show. On the other hand, suppressing all emotion is just as unhealthy.
We need to evaluate our feelings in light of God’s truth. Bring your sadness to Him. Be honest in safe community. But also be willing to move forward when it’s time. Encouragement isn’t pretending — it’s helping someone see hope again.
Reject the Lie, Embrace the Truth
This toxic “men don’t cry” mentality — whether it’s in secular culture or in church — is damaging. It leaves people isolated, ashamed, and unable to heal. And sometimes, as with Dan in that prayer meeting, it can push someone to a dangerous edge.
We need spaces where men can be honest without being shamed. Spaces where grief is allowed, but not left to fester. Spaces where truth is spoken in love, with the gentle push we all sometimes need.
Men, it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to mourn. It’s okay to say you’re not okay. Just don’t let those emotions define your identity or your future.
Because masculinity isn’t the absence of emotion — it’s the courage to face the truth, feel it fully, and keep walking with God through it.
Leave a Reply